>To Do List

>So, yesterday was my busy day. Clinicals start at 0645 then straight to lecture and home by 2100. It’s a long day, and the boys are so good about it. I won’t say they are perfect, cuz my house is always trashed by the time I get home, but they are at least trying to get along. So, that’s my excuse for not blogging yesterday.

Today I have so much to do I don’t even know where to start. I figure I’ll start typing a list and see what jumps out at me. So here’s what I need to do, in no particular order:

– clean the living room
– clean the kitchen
– laundry
– clean the bathroom
– go to grocery store
– clip coupons for aforementioned grocery store
– get “Easter Bunny” gifts
– start typing up my Care Plan for school
– pick son up from school at 3pm
– read through insurance info and decide on dental plan
– fax insurance claims
– drink lots of coffee (this will be #1, I’m halfway there)
– file tax extension
– bring lunch money to forgetful son

OK, I guess that’s enough for today. I’m not even going to put Wii Fit on the list cuz I think I will probably get enough exercise completing my chores. And if not, oh well, there just isn’t enough time to sit in front of the TV for an hour. Wish me luck!

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>I wish I were a VCR

>I wish life had a fast forward and rewind button… Today I don’t have enough hours to do everything I need to do but there are plenty of days when there are too many hours and I wish they would just hurry up and go by.

Today I have to finish my care plan for last week’s patient, go to the rehab facility to get information on this weeks patient. I then have to go to Wal Mart to get hair clippers because my son’s hair has grown out of control and I’m going to have to start giving him scrunchies to keep it out of his face, I have to go to the grocery store to get chicken for dinner tonight and something easy for dinner tomorrow night because I have class and the kids have to fend for themselves, I really need to clean the kitchen and I still have laundry to do because I have no scrubs to wear tomorrow. And it’s already 2:30pm. There just isn’t enough time to do everything.

On top of this my kids are arguing about everything. It’s crazy! I wish I was a drinker, because I would love to unwind tonight with a glass of wine. You know, I have tried on many occasions to drink, I buy it, I put it in the fridge and then it sits there until a family member visits and drinks it for me. I just don’t like the taste of alcohol. Maybe it’s an aquired taste, maybe I just need to try it a few more times. i love the idea of being able to unwind, I just wish I didn’t have to drink to do it. LOL.

Anyway, enough typing, I don’t have enough time to breath today let alone blog. So, wish me luck on getting everything done.

>Fat Girl on Wii = hilarious

>I just started this Wii thing on Tuesday and I felt great about it. I was motivated and looking forward to losing weight, well….. things aren’t going as well as I’d hoped. Here’s the problem, I have a brother who needs a place to stay for the next couple weeks, so, like a good sister (more on this in the previous post) I am allowing him and his queen size air mattress and PS3 to sleep in my dining room. OK, so here’s the problem with my workout routine… I’m using the Wii, now, anyone who has watched somebody play the Wii knows that the player always looks like an idiot, flailing arms with jerky movements and siezure-like activity. To compound this issue, I have never been called graceful, in fact I’m downright clumsy. Me + Wii = circus act. So, I would prefer to do my excercise in an empty house while the boys are in school. Well, having the bro here is really impeding this. Yesterday I tried to workout while he was at work, but then I got a phone call and had to leave, today he’s off until the afternoon. So anyway, it’s not going well, but I’m still hoping that once he moves out I can get back on a better schedule. Here’s hoping!

>Philosophical Ramblings

>A few years back I took a philosophy course in which I learned of a certain philosopher (I can’t remember his name) who claimed that everyone was selfish; it is human nature; there are no unselfish acts. His theory was that even the most innocent, seemingly unselfish acts have a selfish motive behind them. Now, before I began my ramblings please understand that I do not believe in this philosophy; I certainly hope I do not because it is a very cynical way of thinking. I am merely repeating what I learned in class and attempting to apply it to real life. With that being said; you should understand that I am typically an optimistic person and I have, on occasion, been accused of being too trusting when dealing with “repeat trust offenders”.

Anyway, back to my ramblings. This particular philosopher insisted that everyone is looking out for themselves and every seemingly unselfish action benefits the person in some way; at some level. For instance, if “Joe” helps a friend move, is it possible that in the back of Joe’s mind he is hoping that his friend will help him when it comes time for Joe to move? What about volunteering time for Habitat for Humanity or some other charity organization, is it possible that the volunteers are trying to prove to others that they are good people? Selfishness can even come in the form of making yourself feel better or relieving guilt. If I give $1 to a homeless man maybe I will feel less guilty while I eat lobster tail and watch him shivering in the cold from the restaurant window. As I stated above, this is a very cynical way of thinking. Basically this theory states that there is no such thing as a “good” person. When I originally studied this theory I thought to myself “geez, this guy must have had a terrible life, I bet he had no friends because he didn’t trust them”. It has been a couple years since the course and in that time I have thought of this theory a few times, usually when someone I trusted has let me down, but also times like today when I was asked a favor and agreed to do it with no hesitation. Did I benefit at all? No! Will I be able to call in a favor if needed? Eh, only if it convenient for them. So, my question is… why did I do it. If everyone is selfish, why did I jump up and run out the door to help someone when I knew that it wasn’t convenient?

OK, here is some background for you. I come from a big family. There is not a single point in time that I can remember when everyone (brothers, step-brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins and parents) was getting along. We are a giant real life soap opera. Someone is always mad at someone. Everyone talks behind everyone’s backs, rumors fly, feelings are hurt and drama is a daily thing. I hate it; I hate when people are arguing and I hate it even more when someone is mad at me… so I try like hell to make everyone happy. If someone needs a favor, I help; if someone needs to vent, I listen; if someone needs a place to stay; my door is always open. This has caused some disagreements between my husband and I because he says that I am too forgiving, that I help too much (typically he’s talking about financial help). I understand where he is coming from, we have our own family, my three sons are my priority and I have to stop “babying” my grown family. The problem is that even though I know he is right, I can’t help it. Today I received a phone call to come pick up a family member (30 minutes away) and let them borrow my husband’s car (since he isn’t here to need it) because they had lent their car to another family member. I jumped up from my half-drank coffee and hauled my butt into my truck and picked them up. The problem was that I knew my husband would be furious when he found out that I lent his car out, so I offered to drive them to their destination (2 hours away), knowing full well that I had to prepare for my son’s concert tonight in which he will be playing “Go Tell Aunt Rhody” on the viola as a solo. Why would I do that? Why would I offer that? Well, nobody else in the family would be able to help, so I’m all they had. As it turns out the concert is still on and all I have to do is drive another family member to and from work until the car is back on the road. That in itself is a hassle, but I don’t mind… someone needs my help and I can give it.
So, here’s what I’m thinking. If this philosopher is right, my selfishness comes from a desire to feel loved and needed. If he’s wrong then maybe I really am a good person. Hmmmmmm, something to ponder. I’m going to vote for the “good person” option, because I refuse to admit that I am selfish.

Anyway, sorry for the lengthy blog, I just needed to vent and I selfishly (hehehe) used my blog to make myself feel better. So, if you are still reading, thanks, and sorry to have taken up half your day, lol.

>First day of weight loss attempt

>Started my new excercise routine today. Since we are now living on a military pay budget and I am a Deployment Wife again, money and time are rare; so I am determined to lose weight using my kids’ Wii. I went out and bought Wii Fit Plus, and started using it today. Burned 469 calories!!! Yay me! My goal is to lose weight before he gets home. I don’t have a set amount in mind, it will all depend on how well it goes. For now, I’m just going to try to lose as much as possible. I’m really bad with the whole dieting thing so my goal is more focused on the excercise cuz I know I will splurge on snacks throughout the day. Those school snacks are so easy and tasty, haha.

Anyway, today feels pretty good. I’m not on the verge of tears and I’m not constantly thinking about my husband, so I’m feeling pretty good. I cleaned the kitchen, living room and will scrub the bathroom tonight after the boys have showered. I’ve already gone to the store to pick up new jeans for my middle son (he is growing like a weed and REALLY needed them) and the only things left to do is run to the grocery store to pick up milk and stop by Game Stop to exchange a game my youngest doesn’t like. All in all, a good day.

>Am I strong enough to do this?

>Just completed all my homework and care plans for clinical tomorrow. It was a lot, and I have completely neglected all housework today. My kids ate frozen waffles for breakfast and corn dogs for lunch. I am sitting here wondering if I have made a good decision or not. I applied and was accepted into Nursing School prior to my husband’s mobilization. At that time I thought it would be no problem. Things have changed though, and I’m wondering if I can do this. Complete nursing school while he is away. I don’t know, this is only my first semester and it will only get harder and more time consuming from here on out. I want to think I can handle it all but… I’m scared.

Anyway, time to put on my happy face and go have dinner with my mother in law. I can’t let her know how stressed out I am about this deployment or scared I am because then she will worry… and when she worries…. oh boy, she turns into a blubbering idiot. I know that sounds callous, but I am barely holding it together myself, I canNOT console her too.

>I’m a bad wife

>I am a terrible military spouse! My husband called yesterday and in our conversation he mentioned how we will be making a significant amount of money less than he did while he was reservist with a civilian job (his reserve unit was mobilized). We started talking about the different sacrifices to be made and I was ok up to that point. We have to do what we have to do. No problem, it won’t be like this for long.

The conversation took a turn for the worse when he told me that they have something called a Hardship Discharge…. so, you mean to tell me that if we can prove that we will have difficulty financially due to the drastic pay cut of active duty he can get out of this????? You mean, he doesn’t have to do this??????? That was music to my ears! My husband could come home! I asked him when he was going to bring the paperwork to them and he said he wasn’t. WHAT?!?!?!?! He says he is going because he needs to do this. While he may not have volunteered to go over there he feels like this is his contribution and he “has” to do it.

So, like a the baby that I am I cried like a newborn and begged him to reconsider.

When that didn’t work, I yelled.

When that didn’t work I attempted a guilt trip.

When that didn’t work I gave up, exhausted. All night I kept thinking about our conversation. The bottom line is that while he didn’t want to go initially he has realized that he needs to do this. Despite his “way out” he is going to serve his country.

I know that my behavior last night puts me as a strong contender for the World’s Worst Military Souse Award, but I have promised myself that I will not bring it up again. I will support him and his decision to stay because I know that the decision can’t be easy for him. I just don’t understand. We have three sons, a beautiful life! He has done his time already. He was active duty for 12 years, then got out to live the civilian life with a bit of the Reserves on the side. How could he WANT to go over there? It just doesn’t make sense to me! It’s so dangerous. As most of you probably already know a husband of one of our fellow bloggers was killed on Sunday. It breaks my heart to think of what his family is going through right now, and it scares the hell out of me.

I am angry with my husband. How could he do this to us? How could he risk leaving his kids fatherless and his wife widowed? He says that it’s not all that dangerous, but he’s sugar coating everything so I won’t worry. I am so mad right now.

Thank goodness for blogs, I cannot let him see this anger, and I will try not to let him know how scared I am. I will save all my girly emotions for you all. This will be my outlet, my venting source, my therapy. If any of you are reading this, I would love to hear from you all. It would help knowing that others are out there going through this too. So…. talk to me….. lol.

>Thank you for attending my Pity Party – BYOB

>OK, so this is going to sound very selfish and pity-party-ish but….. nobody understands what I’m going through right now. I have family around, which is great, sometimes they can really help me take my mind off things, but I am SOOOOOO tired of hearing “I understand” or “I know what you are going through” because they DON’T! Raising kids after a divorce is not the same as being the spouse of a deployed service member. Remembering a friend’s brother who was drafted in Vietnam is NOT the same as getting the news that your husband is being mobilized. They do not understand and while they can try, it doesn’t help me to hear these things.

So, here is another secret. I’m jealous. I’m jealous of almost everyone. I watch them spend time together and take for granted the fact that they aren’t alone. I have a brother who has been dating a girl for a little over a year; they say that they have never spent a night apart and don’t think they could. It makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I know someone else who frequently argues with their significant other. Sometimes I get irritated because I feel like they take for granted that the other person is there. So, he doesn’t want to watch a movie, or she didn’t clean up after dinner… ok, well, it’s not the end of the world. Your spouse is home, going through life with you, dealing with daily stresses and coping with them together. Having someone isn’t something to be taken for granted. Yes, I am in communication with my husband, we aren’t completely cut off, but, he has so much else on his mind I’m not going to bother him with all the stupid little inconveniences of daily life, like the fact that I forgot to turn the crock pot on so we didn’t eat dinner until 9pm, or the mailman who keeps putting my neighbors mail in our box. I don’t share the good things either, like the fact that I found the good coffee on sale yesterday, or the fact that I am so happy to open the windows because the weather is so warm today. Stupid things, I know. Little things. But I’m not going to bore him with a 5 page email or an hour long phone conversation with these trivialities. If I tried to explain this to someone who has never been seperated from their S/O for a single night or with someone who argues constantly they are going to think I’m crazy. They are going to say that these are inconsequential things and if it is such a big deal…. just tell him. That’s not the point. The point is that during this seperation my husband doesn’t know all the little things that happen, and I don’t want to further stress him out with my stress because he has bigger things to worry about…

I feel like I am going through this alone, and it pisses me off when people try to tell me that they understand what it’s like. They don’t. If they did, I would be able to tell them this and not feel like an idiot.

>My First Blog

>I am new to blogging but I have read others and have heard that it is a great tool for coping with deployments (thus the title). I don’t know if anyone will read this or be interested but if you are reading this, feel free to leave comments. It would be good to chat with other people. I don’t live near other military spouses so I tend to feel a bit isolated. BTW, today is our 12th wedding anniversary. He has missed more anniversaries than not. Someday we will make up for it by spending ridiculous amounts of money on a cruise or maybe a tropical vacation or maybe matching sports cars. For now though, I have to treat today like any other day. No time to be sad about things I can’t change.

I am determined to stay busy and accomplish things while my husband is deployed. I need to stay strong for the kids, I can’t spend my days crying about doing it all by myself or watching movies to keep my mind off real life. I need to focus on getting through. I am also in Nursing School so I can’t be feeling sorry for myself and neglecting my school work.

I have considered making a scrapbook of the kids, but I’ve never made one before and I am not all that creative. I have thought about taking pictures of each of the kids once a week and then converting it into a video that shows the kids “growing up”. I thought that would be kinda cool too. But I suppose my biggest goal while he is away is to lose weight and quit smoking. Both are lofty goals but I think I should be able to do it. My kids have Wii Fit so I am going to try using that while they are in school. I don’t have time or money to join a gym so my living room and Wii will have to do.

So, that’s about it, my first blog. Hm, kinda cool, it’s like a diary. I guess we’ll see how much this helps me deal with everything.