>WARNING, I may not be very nice

>

Confession Time!

I am a smoker.
I hate it. I’m ashamed.
I don’t want my kids to see me smoking.
I don’t want my husband to worry about my health.
I don’t want to waste money anymore.
I don’t want to freeze my butt off half the night because I will still go outside to smoke even if it’s in the single digits.
I’m tired of it.
I’m done.
I. Want. To. Quit!
I have tried a few times over the past couple years. I failed each time obviously!
The funny thing is that I quit each time I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t smoke at all! Very few cravings, nothing I couldn’t handle, and the initial withdrawal wasn’t all that bad. It’s not that easy any more.
They say that one of the ways you can help yourself quit is by telling friends/family. I assume that the fear of letting them down is supposed to keep you from failing. I don’t know about that; I worry that the pressure may be enough to make me give in. I fear that it may have the opposite effect.
I figure, the next best thing is to put it on my blog; I don’t want to fail in front of any of you either but the pressure won’t be as intimidating and stressful… so this could work.
I came home today with less than a half pack of cigarettes, normally I would stop at the gas station and grab some so I didn’t run out tonight.
Today I drove right by.
I smoked while I completed some homework and an online quiz for school but I smoked my last one around 9pm. I briefly considered going out to get more because I really hadn’t intended to quit until the morning but I decided I may as well get a 12 hour jump start. I will be going to sleep soon anyway.
The few times that I have tried quitting recently I found that, while ultimately I wasn’t successful, one thing that did help me get through some tough times was looking at the cessation time lines. They are all over the Internet; some more detailed than others. Basically they tell you what changes your body is going through at different intervals.
At 20 minutes – blood pressure and pulse rate return to “normal”.
At 8 hours – the nicotine levels in my body will decrease by over 90%
Looking at this stuff helps me get through the rough times; it reminds me why I’m doing this. It reinforces the idea that I really am damaging my body by smoking. I’m hurting myself and everyone around me. I truly want to be successful this time.
I’m going to bed now and when I wake up I will be at 9 hours. We’ll see how this goes!
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3 thoughts on “>WARNING, I may not be very nice

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