>Answering the Difficult Questions

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I have had so many ideas for posts over the past few days but I haven’t had time to sit down and actually write so of course, as always, the ideas got twisted in my head and disappeared.
I guess the underlying theme with everything that is going on is the fact that we are approximately 3/4 of the way through this deployment. We are on the downhill finally and it feels so good but at the same time we still have about a quarter of the deployment left to get through. Sometimes it feels like Homecoming is so close I can taste it, while other times I sit here saying “we still have X number of months LEFT“??????
We were in the truck today driving home and B asked me how long until Dad comes home. I told him not too much longer but that we don’t know exactly. He asked me to guess, so I responded with the best answer I could come up with that didn’t sound like too long but didn’t get his hopes up only to be let down. His reaction caught me off guard. He said “why does he have to be gone so long, I miss him, I just want him to come home now”.
For the most part our kids are used to him being gone; deployments, training, even his civilian job had him away on travel. The kids don’t know any other life and it probably wouldn’t be such a big deal if they didn’t have to constantly explain it to their friends. The boys don’t normally ask me to give them specific dates, typically they are OK with an answer such as “he will be home before so-and-so’s birthday” or “we are hoping he will be home before this holiday”.
Tonight was different, B needed something more definite. He needed to know exactly how long he had to wait and I couldn’t give that to him. It is so up in the air (as it always is with the military) that I can’t even begin to speculate on a homecoming MONTH!
I decided to tell him how many days it’s been since he left. I thought that hearing that number might make him feel better. I then told him that when I get sad and miss him I try to think of all the things I want to do BEFORE he comes home; that way I can look at it as “I only have X number of days to complete this task”. He asked me to be more specific so I gave him my goals for the remainder of the deployment.
1. Learn how to make a Topsy Turvy Cake with fondant icing.
 – the practice cake will be used at Bro #2’s baby shower and the real one will be for DH’s bday. This is an example I pulled off the Internet. I will be sure to blog about the baking experience as it is sure to be quite a fiasco.
2. Complete/Pass my OB/Peds semester of nursing school.
 – after this semester I only have one left before I graduate with my RN. Then it’s off to the BSN program.
3. Exercise more and lose more weight.
4. Organize all of DH’s clothes and give him back his side of the closet.
 – I have taken over the entire closet and most of his clothes have ended up in boxes and shoved into the back of C’s closet.
I explained to him that I have a lot to do in a short amount of time and if I think of it like that it doesn’t seem so bad. He then asked me what his goals should be. We came up with quite a few ideas but narrowed it down to a more “do-able” size. His list was a little more fun than mine.
1. Learn to count to ten in Spanish.
2. Organize all of his toys in his closet so he has a separate bin for each activity i.e. Lego’s, art supplies, etc.
3. Get to level 30 on Farmville
 – yes, he does have a Facebook account but he only uses it to play Farmville and post pictures for his Dad. 
4. Grow an inch taller.
5. Get 15 A’s on spelling tests, vocab tests or math tests.
After discussing all this he seems to be feeling better. It’s just so hard to see the kids struggle to handle a deployment because I know how hard it is as an adult and time moves even slower for kids.
How do you all handle these questions from your kids?
How honest/vague are you about length of time?
Are there any goals you can think of that would be fun for all of us to try to achieve before homecoming?
I was thinking of making a Family Goal; something we can all work on together but I can’t come up with any ideas that will interest all of them. What the 14 y/o wants may not be what the 9 y/o thinks is fun and the 12 y/o is just plain hard to please.
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>Cookie Care Package

>First, I’d like to encourage everyone to head over to the Marine Parent’s page and link up. She’s hosting the Military Monday blog hop. It’s a great way to meet other MilSpouses and loved ones. Hope to see you there!

So, today was nice. The boys and I decided to make cookies to send to DH. Of course, after the first couple minutes I was left alone in the kitchen to finish up, but it’s ok; it’s the thought that counts and they DID want to do it. They are boys, there is only so much baking I can expect them to be excited about. They did decorate the boxes though which is good because I am not a very good artist.
We started out with the Pecan Bars, they came out great. It was my first time making these and I think it was a successful venture.
Then we made the Snickerdoodles. They came out great; as always. I don’t remember where I got the recipe, but it is good.
We then made Oatmeal Raisin Cookies which are DH’s favorite. I don’t like raisins but he says it’s a good recipe so I’ll take his word for it.
He wants photo paper but he said he doesn’t want me making a special trip to the store just for him. I told him I already had some at the house (not true) so I planned on going to the store today to get it. Well, I forgot some stuff at the grocery store so I decided to just get the photo paper tomorrow when I go out. That means I won’t ship this out until Tuesday. It also means I have more time to bake some different recipes.
I have to read a couple chapters for Peds but I think I should work on my care plan tonight rather than reading. It’s due Thursday but I always put it off and then stress out the day before. I want to try to avoid doing that if at all possible.
More snow coming this week. The kids have had more snow day in the past two weeks than we did the past two years combined. In fact, I don’t think we had a single snow day last year. Crazy!
Things are looking better. I have had a rough time since R&R. I have missed him so much that I have been less than functional. Today I feel better. I am not completely out of my funk, but I have made a significant improvement. I haven’t cried today or even felt like I was trying to hold back tears. That’s a good thing. Let’s hope I’m finally adjusting; I can’t keep going through my days like this. I have to get back to normal.

>Overwhelmed

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So, earlier today I blogged about being kinda sad, unmotivated, blah.
Boy how things can turn around; and not always in a good way either.
Shortly after I blogged the orthodontist finally called me back. I had left a message about Z’s new braces (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I had the kid’s braces put on Tuesday). Z’s been complaining about pain when he chews ever since. It has gotten worse instead of better. Anyway, long story short, the orthodontist said he needed to come in. I had to wait for B’s bus to drop him off first though. So, I’m all ready to go, waiting for the bus when the phone rings. It’s the school.
B’s bus was in a “minor” accident. No student injuries. Minimal damage to the bus. I FLEW to the truck. RACED to the intersection only to see the bus pulling away. Apparently I was one of the last of 13 parents to be called. I then raced home to wait for the bus. He finally got home and told me how the bus had cut the corner too short and crashed into a pickup truck at the 4 way intersection. I cried and hugged him and cried some more.
We then went to the orthodontist. That is when I found out that poor Z has been suffering since Tuesday. The braces were put on incorrectly. The orthodontist (the partner of the girl who put them on) was not happy. He fixed Z up and sent us home.
I made dinner. A nice dinner. Boneless ham with sauteed veggies and French Bread. It was pretty good.
I went to throw a load of laundry in my new washing machine and I found BROWN WATER IN IT! It’s my new front loader. I didn’t understand. Where would brown water come from. That’s when I heard it.
SWISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I open the door to the garage and the water is cascading from the ceiling. The entire 2 car garage has water coming from the ceiling. The light fixtures, holes in the ceiling, everywhere.
My pipes burst.
So now I’m sitting here. No water, no heat, no patience.
The boys are watching a movie with space heaters and electric blankets. Bro #2 wants me to go stay with him but for some odd reason I can’t leave my house. I don’t know what else could go wrong, but I feel like I am abandoning the house if I leave. Ridiculous, I know, but I can’t help it.
I am hoping my husband calls. I need to talk to him. I need him to tell me everything is going to be ok. I am feeling just a tad overwhelmed right now.

>I don’t have a reason

>I’m having kind of a rough day. Not sure why. Not bad, just blah.

I’ve paced the house all morning, I’ve picked up a few toys here and there, I called the cell phone company and took care of an overage charge. I kind of feel like I’m walking around in a haze, although I did break into tears while I was on hold with AT&T when the St. Elmo’s Fire theme song played. Don’t know why; it’s not like the movie has any sentimental ties or anything.

I guess I’ve been on the verge of tears for a few days now. I’m trying to act normal in hopes that I will start to truly feel normal eventually but once I’m alone…. I get this lonely, sad, aimless, unmotivated feeling back.

Yesterday I got my truck stuck and couldn’t get out of my driveway to get to clinical. My brother had a friend come over to drive me, then he picked me up and brought me home last night. After I ordered pizza he snowblowed my driveway for me and freed my truck. I was so grateful but at the same time I felt like such crap. I HATE depending on anyone like that. I don’t want to be needy. I don’t want people to have to go out of their way to help me.

I want my husband home.

I guess that’s what it boils down to.

I miss him so much.

We’re on the downhill now, the back half of the deployment, this should be the easy part right?

So why can’t I be happy? Why am I sitting here typing this with tears streaming down my face? I have nothing to be upset about. NOTHING. Nothing happened, nothing broke, my kids are healthy and happy and my husband will officially be home this year (2011). So why am I moping around the house unable to really do any chores or run errands?

>2010 on Facebook

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Looking back over 2010 I can’t really say it was an easy year. The main theme? DEPLOYMENT!
I only started blogging in March so I began looking at old Facebook statuses and I decided to list some of them. I think it gives a good overview of how my year went. I was going to start in 2010, but I found one from last Christmas Eve that was just way too funny; so I’ll start there. I don’t really expect people to read this; it’s more for me to refer back to.
December 24, 2009   So, my mother in law attempted to put on a fancy evening but my boys would have none of it. They wrestled her 6ft nutcracker statue, pretended to get drunk on spring water, ate the jubilee roll before she had even brought the dessert plates to the table and then looked out the window “for Santa” with their pants sagged so low they all had plumber’s butts. DH and I laughed so hard our sides hurt.
January 4, 2010  WARNING TO ALL POTENTIAL GUESTS: do not attempt to visit me without 4wd. Snow chains are preferred but not required if you have a full tank of gas for weight. It’s gonna be a lonely week for me. My driveway is really steep and I am just not a very good snow blower. DH had already begun predeployment training so he wasn’t home to help me.
 
January 5, 2010 so, I’m realizing just how much is contingent on me NOT screwing up. Sucks, cuz I’m not all that reliable.

January 19, 2010 B will be performing at a benefit concert for Haiti this weekend. His idea, I’m so proud of him. B used to play the viola before I became such a lazy, overworked stress out Mom and pulled him out of lessons.
January 25, 2010 Please be okay, Mom. We love you!!!!!!!!!! My mother was in a bad accident. She was helping a woman who had slid off the road in ice. The car was on it’s side; a van came over the hill, hit the car and it landed on my Mom. She was in the ICU for a long time.
February 5, 2010 things are finally calming down… DH is home for a few weeks before deploying to Iraq, Mom is making an amazing recovery after having a car flip over and land on top of her, I passed my first Nursing Exam and did I mention DH IS HOME! Having help with the boys is something I will never EVER take for granted again.
February 16, 2010 so I’m sitting in the hospital with C. He was admitted last night for asthma. Hospital food rocks! He spent a week in the hospital.

February 20, 2010 is the first person in recent history to successfully break a Kitchen Aid mixer. I could screw up a wet dream.
March 6, 2010 trying to deal… longing for the “good ole days” when I had friends going through the same things… not having anyone to relate to makes things harder.
March 31, 2010 on my way to viola group class, Over an hour of driving for 30 minutes of play time, half of which are spent listening to the teacher lecture the other kids about the importance of practicing and showing up on time.

April 19, 2010 almost 4am and I can’t sleep cuz my mind keeps thinking off all the things I have or will screw up in the near future. Wish I had an off button.

April 20, 2010 is holding it together for the kids but it’s getting harder by the day. Deployment sucks.
April 22, 2010 Picking DH up at the airport in T-8 hours. We are lucky to be getting a few days before he deploys. Saturday we are celebrating a 3 in 1 birthday party for the kids. Saturday is technically Z’s bday but since he’s going to miss the other’s we are doing it all at once. Gotta love military life, celebrating Xmas in May, and birthdays … whenever. It’s a life like none other.

April 24, 2010 Today is our 3 in 1 birthday party for the kids. Technically it’s Z’s bday but since Will will miss the others we are celebrating all the kid’s bdays today. Happy Birthday Boys.

May 2, 2010 sitting on back deck, grilling burgers and eating shrimp cocktail. I am loving this, acting like a NORMAL married couple. Pretending that Iraq is the furthest thing from my mind.

May 3, 2010 What a friggin’ morning. Will wants to get me organized for the deployment. He seriously handed me his Living Will, Advanced Directives and a book on coping with PTSD before my morning coffee! Are you kidding? Geez! The nerve of some people.
May (hidden due to OPSEC), 2010 how do I decide on a suitable way to spend our last night before he goes to war, I mean seriously, the magnitude of this hasn’t yet hit me.
May (hidden due to OPSEC), 2010 talk about making a scene! I couldn’t hold it together at the airport. Then when one of his bags set off security and they had to open it up and go through all the battle armor… yeah, seeing it all made me cry like 4 y/o without Hot Wheels cars. I snotted all over his uniform.

June 3, 2010 IDIOT ALERT: I sent Will a father’s day/bday present. A digital photo frame. Not realizing that he can’t plug it in cuz it has an AMERICAN cord. Great. Completely wasted.
June 8, 2010 My good deed of the day: generously gave my blood to a shaky-handed phlebotomy student. That’s gonna leave a mark!

June 12, 2010 Gotta keep looking at the bright side. Approximately 10% of this deployment DONE! The only thing that has fallen apart thus far that I can’t fix is a cabinet door. No problem, easy access!

June 19, 2010 Bulk trash day on Monday, making my backyard look a little less like something Jeff Foxworthy would use in a joke.

June 24, 2010 since I am a devout “keeping up with the Jones'” type, maybe I should have moved to a town that would have made that a bit easier….. a trailer park maybe. The kids friends all have inground pools and my boys have a 3 foot kiddie pool, talk about feeling inadequate

June 25, 2010 attempted to drink tonight, but only got down one Mike’s Lemonade before cracking open a Diet Coke to chug. Apparently I’m a crappy alcoholic.

June 29, 2010 our mousetrap just caught a Lindsey. swollen index finger makes typing difficult, and I have clinical tomorrow, let’s just hope I don’t have to perform any digital disimpactions. hahaha

July 7, 2010 my patient was a former nurse, as was her daughter who was visiting. Talk about intimidation. I had to be on my A game!

July 17, 2010 dinner with the mother-in-law. We survived. And that’s all I have to say about that.

July 25, 2010 Happy Birthday, Dad! I miss you and love you. It’s hard to believe it’s been 17 years. You’ll never be forgotten. My Dad died of Leukemia when I was 14; we had no warning. By the time we were notified he was already in a coma. I miss him a lot.
 
August 5, 2010 deployment SUCKS, I want him home

August 12, 2010 clothesline snapped…. with a full 3 loads of laundry on it. GREAT! And I just mowed. Grass clippings on everything. Have to rewash. Just might go insane by day’s end.

August 15, 2010 Just spent an hour in the truck listening to my sons tell Yo Momma jokes.

August 18, 2010 note to self: choose wisely for Family Movie Night. Any movies with Dads giving up demanding careers to spend more time with kids + deployment = really sad kids. Watched Old Dogs tonight and 2 out of 3 kids wound up in tears. Spent the next half hour talking about how much they missed their Dad and want him to come home. It said it was a comedy, I thought it was a good choice. Another Parenthood Fail.
September 3, 2010 I’ve hosted sleepover parties before, but I’ve never allowed my boys to ATTEND a sleepover! BIG step in the whole Parenting Adventure.

September 5, 2010 cleaned out the fridge and found 2 dozen eggs underneath the shredded cheese!!!!! For a grand total of 4 dozen eggs set to expire in a little over 2 weeks. Not to mention I have a lot less cheese than I thought I did. Anyone know of any good recipes that call for a lot eggs???

September 6, 2010 off to throw away the laundry I don’t feel like washing…. shhhhhh, don’t tell DH. This was BEFORE he got his own Facebook account.
 
September 17, 2010 Seriously embarrassing moment today. Fell out of my chair during post-conference. And it wasn’t like I was sitting down and MISSED the chair, no. I had been sitting there for 10 minutes, writing…. and then fell. We’re talking, chair went flying, I hit the ground, grabbed onto teacher (who happened to be sitting next to me), yeah, bad. See, I never grew out of the awkward phase.

September 19, 2010 Stuck on the phone with the Monster In Law…. I’m getting lectured on how bad of a mother I am. Seriously, I’m getting tired of the lectures which are made 10 times worse after she’s consumed multiple boxes of wine.

October 3, 2010 I’ve blown the spider gears in a Dodge Van, the transmission in a Caddy and now the brake lines on a Tahoe. Oh by the way, does anyone have a vehicle I could borrow for a couple days?

October 7, 2010 Dear 8th Grade Bully, please leave my son alone; you are meaner and more hurtful than you realize.

October 23, 2010 you know you live in a rural area when your kids get lost in the woods while herding the pigs back to the pen.

October 25, 2010 just realized why the van is so much more comfortable to drive than the ‘Burb. The seatbelt doesn’t lie across my neck choking me like in the truck. Blood flow to the brain makes for optimal comfort

October 31, 2010 driving down 84 with the boys waving a bloody, severed arm at the cars passing by. 75% of them laugh and wave back. the other 25% have a new disgust for Virginia drivers It was a Halloween decoration and we were in CT driving a ‘Burb with VA license plates.
 
November 4, 2010 got the birthday boy an xbox kinect. holy moly is this thing cool. wayyyyy better than wii or that ps3 motion thing.

November 8, 2010 Bought a pork roast for dinner tonight. The label said Roast Pork Butt. While they ate, they made sound effects and discussed who’s butt busted the worst grumpy. Now comes the jokes regarding “eating butt”; oh how I love being the mom of boys.

November 18, 2010 When will my mother in law stop being so mean to me? I’m sick of trying to prove my worthiness. Anyone know of any good M.I.L trade in programs? I’m looking for an upgrade.

November 22, 2010 Grandma calls to talk to the kids, I give them the phone and go back to running the mixer making cookies. I turn off the mixer and I hear the boys making FARTING sounds with Grandma on speaker saying “HELLOOOOO, HELLOOOOO”. Man, I’ve gotta watch these kids, I am gonna hear about this one. She was NOT happy.

November 23, 2010 I have had a very productive day; I surprised myself by making the best darn chicken salad this side of the Mason-Dixie, I finished all my grocery shopping, did 5 loads of laundry (clean sheets, mmmmm), learned to speak a few lines in Arabic and read a chapter and a half of Med/Surg. My pillow is calling already.
December 8, 2010  furnace is down AGAIN! currently 53 degrees in the house. thank goodness for space heaters and electric blankets
December 14, 2010  That was one of the hardest exams so far. No amount of studying was going to make me prepared for that test. And now to sit it out and wait for the results, fingernail biting begins NOW!!!

December 17, 2010  can’t wait to be a real life wife as opposed to his Skype Wife. Not too much longer now. I guess it’s time to get used to remembering to heat up his side of the electric blanket at night not just my own.
December (hidden due to OPSEC), 2010  On my way to airport!

December (hidden due to OPSEC), 2010   How long have I been talking about the furnace turning itself off??? Approx 3 weeks. Will just found a busted pipe in the garage, I’ve been pumping water through the garage and outside for 3 weeks. That’s why the furnace shuts off periodically. Welcome Home and Merry Christmas, Will, now fix my pipes!

December  25, 2010  Went to bed just before 5am, right back up at 7am. Two out of three kids claim this is the “best Christmas EVER”; and two out of three isn’t bad. I’d call this a successful Christmas!

December  29, 2010  don’t remember the last time I laughed this hard. Best late Thanksgiving dinner ever. Now it’s time to clean up, I’m outta here, it’s Will’s turn to do dishes.

December  31, 2010  in 16 years together we have either been separated courtesy of the US government or too tired as new parents to celebrate New Years more than a couple times. I need ideas to make this one special.

Wow, that was longer than I expected. Reviewing my year in Facebook I learned something. I learned that I am a lot more honest here on my blog where I have some anonymity. I made jokes about a lot of the rougher times throughout the year; yet the blog posts that coincide with the status is much more truthful. I suppose that is because MilWives typically put up a facade during deployments. We try not to let people know that we struggle and aren’t always happy. I let it out sometimes, but not nearly as much as I felt it. I suppose I just don’t want to look like I’m whining. Anyway, here’s hoping that 2011 brings happier, less stressful, non-deployment times for us. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

>It’s Christmas Time at our house.

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This deployment has been hard. I didn’t realize how hard it would be. After going so many years between this one and our last one, well, I guess I forgot a lot of the things that make deployments suck. This summer was the hardest; it dragged on FOREVER. The school year is flying by though, and while that’s great because it means I’m not watching the countdown timer it’s not so great because I don’t have any time to do the things I used to do.
My youngest son used to play the viola. We quit around June or July. That’s really too bad, he had been playing since he was 4 years old but we just didn’t have the time to go to lessons twice a week and practice 30 minutes every night.
The kids and I used to play board games. Nope, not anymore, no time. Homework and laundry take precedence.
The boys and I used to laugh a lot, but even that has been limited lately. Stress, lack of time, etc.
As I mentioned yesterday I decided to go ahead and decorate for Christmas early. I LOVE Christmas and I figured it would help my mood.
This morning the boys and I rearranged the living room to fit the tree in the window, we dug out all the boxes from the attic and discussed outdoor lighting colors. It was a nice morning; we all worked together because we were excited to be doing this.
I went to the store. $266 later I am home with more lights than I’ll ever need, but hey, at least I won’t run out. Right?
I have a giant living room window. 12 feet by 6 feet, divided into thirds. I used single color rope lights to outline each third of the window in red, white and blue. With the thermal backed curtains pulled closed they light up the entire window in color. How patriotic. I bought the candle lights for all the bedroom windows. I put up prelit multicolored garland in my entranceway and started putting out all my Christmas knick knacks. B wanted a mini tree to decorate himself, so we also have an 18″ tree under the TV with over 100 lights on it. It looks like a giant lightbulb, but he’s so proud of himself. It really is kinda cute.
Anyway, as I’m working on getting the last of the candle lights secured on the window sill I hear a familiar sound coming from the hallway. It’s B, playing his viola. I almost cried, it’s been so long since he’s played, but he said that all the Christmas decorations made him feel like playing. Afterwards, we all went out into the front yard to admire our work. We laughed and made jokes and everyone was getting along. ALL THREE BOYS! It was amazing.
We went inside and I told them that I was so happy because I had no idea how a few lights and candles could do so much. B read me a story, then Z read a story. We took turns playing Connect 4, and I taught them a new card game; 52 card pick up. Big hit, let me tell you. I will probably be finding cards for months to come in very odd places.
At bedtime C told me that seeing me happy made him happy too, and that he will help me put up the lights on the roof this weekend. What a kid he is. I guess I didn’t realize how much of my emotions were actually affecting the kids.
Decorating early was a good idea, one of the few that I’ve had recently, but a good one nonetheless.

>To decorate or not to decorate…. early.

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I love Christmas. It’s always a fun, exciting time of year. I wish it were Christmas all year long, although that would take the excitement out of it. Which brings me to my current dilemma. I am SUPER excited about Christmas this year because even though we may not be celebrating on the exact calendar date, we are hoping to have R+R at some point during the winter. That makes this year super great.
Another thing is that the boys and I have decided not to celebrate Thanksgiving this year because he’s not home. We are going to have a nice dinner and spend some family time playing board games or maybe watching a movie but we are not going to do it with extended family. Just us skyping with their Dad.
So, typically I wait until after Thanksgiving to start decorating for Christmas, but due to our current situation I am seriously considering starting early…. like…. now. I am certain that it will help me not miss him so much because seeing the decorations will make me super excited about seeing him soon.
In fact, I’ve already put snowflake stickers on the living room windows. I just couldn’t help myself. Thank you Amazon.
We have two fake Christmas trees in the attic, even though we always get real trees because I LOVE the smell. Not really sure why/when we got them, but we have them. So, I want to temporarily put up the fake trees until we can buy a real one.
What do you think?

>Missing him

>

It’s late and I’m tired and that’s probably why I’m feeling this way; but nevertheless I’m feeling kinda bummed out right now.
No reason for it. Just one of those Deployment Related Irrational Emotional Moments.
I spent the day with my brother who just bought a brand new Silverado. I went with him to the dealer taking videos and still pictures of every step of the way, getting into the old cars, driving to dealership, getting out of old car, talking to salesman, getting into new truck, etc. We had fun. He and his girlfriend then came over to my house for pizza. Oh and this afternoon I went with the girlfriend to put a deposit on her wedding dress which ended up having to go on my credit card because she didn’t bring enough cash. (no biggie, I’ll get the money back).
After they left I began sorting through the mail from this afternoon and realized that I had 15 letters from Tricare; apparently there is an issue with coverage. I got that overwhelming feeling of helplessness looking at these official looking papers with large amounts of money at the bottom of each one.
I immediately scanned everything to my husband who will hopefully take care of it or tell me what to do. I am so bad with bills. I get all weird about it, it’s like my brain doesn’t compute. I can handle a calculus equation or determine IV flow rates in my head, but when it comes to insurance and bills… I become super dumb.
So, now, after sending everything to him I am sitting here missing him a lot. I try not to think about how much I miss him or how much he is missing while he is away but the bottom line is that feeling of loneliness is always there, in the back of my head, just waiting for the most inopportune time to rear it’s ugly head.
I’ve been doing so well these past couple months. I’ve been happy and cheerful and I avoid thinking about him not being here by thinking about ways to include him through videos and pictures.
But tonight, it’s different. I miss him, a lot. I don’t know if it’s because he should have been the one at the dealer with my brother picking out his truck, or if it’s because of the Tricare mess, or maybe it’s because the cell phone situation isn’t figured out yet, or if it’s just that same old jealousy that I have for couples who spend every single friggin night with each other. Whatever it is, I feel like crap, and I’m just glad that the day is over. Because if I had been feeling like this earlier I would have been a total downer for my bro on such a huge exciting day for him. Not to mention that that would be a longer period of time I would have felt this way which would not have been pleasant. At least now as soon as I finish this I can go to bed and fall asleep thinking about decorating the house for homecoming or all the changes I want to make before he gets home. That always helps me fall asleep.
Let’s hope that all I need is a good night’s sleep and I’ll feel better in the morning. I’m sure I will. I just need to clean the house and spend time with the kids. That will fix my funk. I hope.